Fat Fitness

With my apologies to my Facebook friends who saw this yesterday, I wanted to share this article on this particular blog because I think it has everything to do with what I wrote about yesterday…only ten times more eloquently. Granted, her approach and focus is slightly different that what I was trying to do, her words are important all the same.

Fat-shaming is a specific variety of body-shaming. It is not the only kind of shaming that takes place, but it is one of the more common ones. Lots of folks think fat-shaming is perfectly acceptable. More than that, lots of folks think fat-shaming is actually a good thing, because with shame as a motivator, perhaps those darn fat people will stop being so fat. 

It doesn’t work, though — shame is not a catalyst for change; it is a paralytic. Anyone who has ever carried extreme personal shame knows this. Shame doesn’t make you stronger, nor does it help you to grow, or to be healthy, or to be sane. It keeps you in one place, very, very still.

Read the entire post here: What’s wrong with fat shaming?

Honestly, folks? Must we make a huge deal when someone loses or gains weight?

In the last few weeks, I’ve received many comments about my weight loss from my coworkers. I thank them because I don’t really have the energy to say anything else, like, don’t be rude. Because…y’know, it opens up dialogue about why that’s rude and so on, and…yeah. Plus, the people saying those things are old ladies and were just trying to be supportive, and I’m not going to harp on them. Today, however, a coworker stopped me with this amazed look on her face and exclaimed, “What happened to you? You’re so skinny now!” (She and I don’t work in the same unit or see each other a lot…so, it’s possible she didn’t notice until now…and I’m not skinny, just smaller than I used to be) I smiled and accepted her accolades, even though inside I was beyond annoyed. I also laughed along with her when she, a very, very thin woman, said that I must have passed the extra weight onto her because *GASP* she’s gained a whole two pounds in the last week!! I really wanted to reeducate her and give her a different perspective, MY perspective about weight loss and why commenting on it is RUDE. So, I’m doing here.

Someone might wonder why commenting is a bad thing. After all, you’re telling someone that they look good. How is that negative? I can’t speak for men as a group, but I can speak for women. We body snark. All. The. Time. We constantly compare, judge, cut down, or build up ourselves and others based on body size and individual flaws. “Well, at least I don’t have hips like hers.” Or “That bitch has nicer boobs than me!” Or “Thank god I’m not THAT big.” Don’t deny it, we have all said or thought things like this. Even in normal conversation, we disrespect our own bodies with our own words in front of other women either because we loathe ourselves that much or we are searching for validation. We even listen to other women’s gripes about their bodies, and we SYMPATHIZE. This is not healthy! It’s destructive, unhelpful, and just perpetuates the idea that the sum of a woman’s worth comes from her body. To tell someone that they look good because of weight loss implies that they didn’t look good before, and that assertion is only based on personal opinion.

You know the old adage, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” In this context, that could not be truer. Regardless of whether or not the body you are gazing upon attracts and pleases you sexually or just aesthetically, that attraction is your own personal preference. My personal preferences of body type are varied and span the range of skinny to chubby, and I’ll bet that other women’s personal preference vary as well. In the men I personally know, their body type preferences vary just as widely. Some flat out love big women, some don’t really care because they love them all, and some follow the more traditional route of preferring thinner women.

It’s. Subjective.

In essence, when you comment on someone’s body, you are placing your personal judgment and opinion about what is acceptable and what is not on someone else, and, unless they can actively slough it off (which some women do), that person is forced to live within your box. Be respectful. If you must say something to me, tell me that you’re impressed with the hard work I’m doing because this shit can be difficult. Not to mention painful. *points to stiff shoulder muscles*

Look. I’m going to make this short.

My main concern is not about the medical research that dictates public opinion (which is still a concern for me), or the savage hoards screeching “HOT OR NOT” at each woman they see (also concerning…) I care the most about how we treat ourselves, and how we treat each other. Self respect also includes self acceptance, and doing thing for yourself that really make you feel like you’ve accomplished something and can be proud of. Respect for others also includes keeping your mouth shut or finding another way to make someone feel good. Tell them they are wearing the cutest shoes ever, or their hair is styled nicely…but the shape of their body is none of your business.* Some of us may not feel comfortable in our bodies right now, and that’s okay. You can learn how to, and it takes patience and time and a lot of positive self talk. For some, comfort may come with changing perceptions, for others, it might come with changing the physical body. Find what works for you. The most important thing I want to say is please be gentle with yourself and with each other. Think about what you are saying when you comment or talk about your own or other people’s bodies because I really think you have a chance in that moment to start shifting the conversation and perceptions to things that actually matter and create lasting change.

/soapbox rant

*I am well aware that there are a ton of insecure people out there who actively fish for compliments and validation and will flat out try to get some of that out of someone else. I will probably gripe about that at another time, because that kind of behavior is also disrespectful.

Last night I went to my first personal training session of the new year, and, coincidentally, the first in at least three weeks. Either I had to cancel, or she had to cancel…it was a bit messed up. She said that most of her clients, as well as herself, over indulged over the holidays and no one had done any homework. I felt a little better admitting that I only worked out a couple of times, and didn’t so much binge as I ate nothing but crap. My body hates me at the moment. So, I was excited to see her again, and this session consisted of us talking rather than working out. We talked a bit about this year and what it’s going to look like, and what our training sessions are going to look like as well. Between her and my therapist, I’m spending money that I don’t have and am broke all the goddamn time, so I’ve had to make some concessions. I proposed seeing her every other week, as opposed to every week. Unfortunately, I’m not seeing the monetary savings just yet, but it’s going to happen eventually. I hope. My partners and I are moving in together in May, so the savings need to be there and it’s not really working out quite yet. Blerg…

ANYWAY.

In 2011, I lost between 30 and 40 pounds. That’s significant and about a third of what I’d like to ultimately lose. I’m happy with it and what it looks like. I went from the cusp between size 24 and 26 to 18/20, and that, to me, is awesome. I haven’t been there in many years. With the shrinkage, however, came some changes in my body that became incredibly uncomfortable. It’s not like I didn’t know it was going to happen. I’ve been fat for a very long time, so the skin will be stretched and it will sag as I shrink. Still, it sometimes feels like I’m walking around with a bowl of Jello-o around my waist. The jiggles were never as pronounced as they are now…so it’s just disconcerting.

Another issue has been body image. While I don’t actively think I’m ugly (although, I don’t take compliments about my appearance very well) and I don’t hate my body, the shape of my body has changed and it continually surprises me. Clothes fit differently, and my skin/fat rolls are in different places now. I had to buy some new bras, and the sag of the skin under the band was different from what I remembered and it was really…different and weird. The top half of me is a bit smaller than the bottom half of me, and in my mind’s eye…it looks disproportionate and I hate that. I realize that the problem is that in my mind’s eye, my shape should be very proportionally round at the top and at the bottom. The shape in my mind, the one I see, even in the mirror, is of me at size 26 and so I continue to dress as if I was still there. This doesn’t work anymore, and my GF had to pretty much force me to try wearing different clothes and styles to accentuate my current shape. It didn’t occur to me to do that until we went shopping recently. All of a sudden, I’m wearing things that I would have never worn before and I actually look good in them.

I don’t think that my experiences are unique, however, and I’m working on trying to really look at my body and form a new shape of myself in my mind’s eye. This shape is how I look right now, and I need to expect that it will change again and to be open about it.

So, for this year, I have to really spend some time setting goals for myself. I want to stay away from making numerical goals, because when I do and I don’t reach them…I end up taking a long break from my routine. One of my major goals throughout this whole journey has been to have a routine, maintain it, change it, and maintain it…and continue with that. I don’t want to get bored doing the same shit all of the time, but I need routine. I really believe that if I can achieve consistency, even within consistent change, my body will change as it needs and wants to.

I don’t have my goals solidified just yet, but I have been mulling them over for the last month and I plan on writing them all down. One of the goals includes blogging more often and I learn and grow and move forward this year! So, to all three of my regular readers, aren’t you excited?? LOL

A few days ago I saw a picture on Facebook that really put the nail in the coffin of my scale obsession. It’s been about two weeks since I’ve weighed myself, and I’m actually holding steady on that front. Anyway…it’s just way too easy to obsess over that goddamn number, that I’ve forbidden myself to get on the scale…indefinitely. What will count is how strong I feel and how my clothes fit. Those are the main two reasons I’m doing this…so why not gauge my success that way? I wonder if most people have that same disconnect. I think so, since dieting and weight loss is a destructive activity in this country.

Anyway, this picture I saw was on the Strong is the New Skinny FB page (which is an awesome page, btw) was of a woman. Sort of a before and after thing. The “before” pic was of her at 120-something pounds, and the “after” pic was of her toned and all buff at 130-something pounds. It’s a good reminder that…say it with me…the scale lies to us. Or, rather, it doesn’t tell us anything useful.

I have to say that something changed in me over the last couple of months, and it wasn’t the muscle gain (you should feel my arms! They are pretty buff feeling). Somehow, I’ve been able to be consistent with my exercise over the last three or four weeks. Seriously. I don’t think I’ve gone this long with being this consistent. I’m not completely religious about it. Sometimes I’ll skip riding my bike to work or just skip riding to class. Sometimes, I’ll change around my gym times, or skip a day altogether. Like, last week, I skipped Friday gym time…mostly because it was a holiday and I had the day off and I was totally discombobulated. Not going on the weekend was totally by design, though. Ah well.

Still, I’m showing increasing improvement, and I’ve already had to bump up the weight for my homework…and my trainer even added another superset to my routine. It’s challenging, and I’m sweaty and sore and all that good stuff…but I expect that by the time December rolls around, I’ll have to change things up again. Maybe.

I haven’t seen any more changes in how my clothes fit, but I think that reigning my eating habits back in will help with that part. I’ve been kind of lax where that is concerned. My ideal meal plan is to make five day’s worth of breakfast, lunch, and snacks…and probably dinner. Last week I made a week’s worth of chili, and it was such a relief to not have to think about what to eat. The only downside was that the recipe called for a butt ton of chili powder when it didn’t need even half of what it called for. Spicy!

I’m thinking that after the holidays, I’ll start going to the university gym instead of the one I’m going to because while I’m enrolled in school…their gym is free! And it looks like a super awesome gym, too. The only thing I worry about is being an old person amongst such virile youth. We shall see. hehe

I haves a confessions to makes. I don’t reads musics.

Okay…so that’s from Metalocalypse…courtesy of Toki, the second best guitarist in the world…but the sentiment applies to what I’m going to be chatting about.

First things first. Confessional time. I find great value in confession, in admitting others those weaknesses you can hardly admit to yourself. This one is about my relationship to the scale. Over the last few years, I’ve been trying really hard to establish a positive relationship to the scale. For a fat girl, this is akin to looking at yourself naked in front of a mirror. It just doesn’t happen. You really have to make it happen and shape that relationship, and it’s one of the most difficult things to do when it comes to body acceptance. Actually, from my observations, this relationship to the scale transcends body type. I think most women have an unhealthy relationship with the scale.

Anyway. Because weight is a quick and dirty way to assess progress, one thing that I’ve been really trying to work on is weighing myself dispassionately. I borrowed that term from a religious context, but I think it applies very well in this situation. However, it’s like playing with fire, and I know that I can easily get burned still. I can say all I want that weight is just a measure of progress, and that the number doesn’t matter…but that’s kind of a lie. Deep down in the core…it matters, regardless of whether I want it to or not. That number, according to mainstream attitudes about body and weight, is the mark of failure or successes, regardless of what I’m doing to make my whole body healthy. If that number isn’t the right one, I’m automatically a failure, and everything positive that I do for myself is automatically negated. Of course, in reality, where most women don’t live when dieting (I can’t say for men…but if any men are reading, I’d love to hear your thoughts), that number on the scale is simply mass times gravitational acceleration. It tells you absolutely nothing about how strong you are, how healthy your heart is, or how much you win at life. I mean, if you really want to lose weight quickly, you can go stand on a scale in an elevator as it free falls. You can reach zero if you want to, but it tells you absolutely nothing about your health and physical abilities. Plus, the end of the elevator ride will probably hurt…

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Two weeks ago, I confessed to my trainer that I hadn’t done anything helpful for myself since I last saw her. Except for riding my bike twice a week to work and school,* I haven’t been doing any of my exercise homework. Add to that the fact that I haven’t been giving much of a shit about what I’ve been eating…and I ended up not feeling very good about myself.

Part of the reason for this was that I was being afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of what *might* happen should I continue to lose weight and gain loose skin, afraid of how my loved ones as well as strangers would start to regard me. **

I should be happy that I’ve been seeing changes in my body, but it is actually terrifying to me. You could probably mouth the words along with me…but I’m terrified of the unknown if I continue down this road. It’s been…at least over ten years since I’ve seen the scales at this mark, and since I’ve worn clothes at this size (whatever size I’m at…20-ish? The coat I’m wearing is 18/20…but I have no idea)…and it’s all new to me. When I was this size before, I wasn’t in any frame of mind to be self aware enough to enjoy it. When I was much thinner (like early high school??), barely pushing past 200lbs, I thought I was pretty much as attractive as Jabba the Hutt. To me, that’s really sad. I wish I had been able to be self aware enough to enjoy my body then. So, in essence, being here again really *is* new to me as a self aware, grown woman.

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I have lost 30 pounds this year, with a goal of losing 20 more by the end of the year.

In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. I have about 80 more to go until I’m at a place where I feel my body will be happy. Where I will be happy. Maybe.

The price of losing weight after being big for so long is stretched skin. I’m already seeing it, and it’s really getting me down. My body image is at an all time low right now because everything is going south…literally. My magnificent boobs are going flat. My abdomen is sagging and loose and is really uncomfortable when I work out. I’m starting to look weird in my clothes.

Last night, while I was trying on bras, I had a mini breakdown. I was just so frustrated. I look awful in my underwear and I haven’t even lost that much weight! The skin just doesn’t know where to go anymore, and it’s uncomfortable and unattractive. When I was fatter, I at least had some shape. Now I’m just…blah.

I don’t want this to get me down to the point where I won’t work out or that I start eating poorly, but it’s hard to feel motivated and good about yourself when nothing is where it’s supposed to be. I don’t know what to do.

Damn. I’m really vain, aren’t I?

So, in light of the fact that I failed miserably at being wholly prepared for my last triathlon, I’ve decided to not do the second one that I figured I’d be able to do as I haven’t had time to properly prepare and train. I uh…kind of had a week long vacay in the middle of the month, and then I got sick. Soooo….yeah.

No matter, though. I’m still going strong!! I’ve at least gone on a few walks as ordered and…this is the big news…last night I went to the store after work and got a shit ton of veggies and a huge ass steak for the purposes of making my lunch for the week. (And I walked home, thank you very much) Lunch for the week will be a salad full of lettuce and chopped up fresh veggies, and a quarter of the huge ass steak. Yummy, right?

It feels good to have this stuff ready and prepared for myself.

Breakfast is still kind of a problem as the very thought of eating eggs makes me want to vomit. So, I’m thinking that yogurt with fresh/frozen fruit and berries will suffice. I need to eat something in the mornings, even though I usually feel too nauseated to eat. These days my lunch is my biggest meal.

So, this weekend I’ll do the same preparation, but I’ll change it up and find something else to make for the week. I’ll also need to really start eating better at night. I tend to graze on not very optimal foods at home or eat out. Neither of which are good.

Also, remember my last post in which I crowed about reaching my weight goal? Well, in the last four days or so, I’ve been hovering around 272. I’m liking this.

On September first the Bike Commute Challenge begins, and my workplace is participating. Getting on my bike everyday will be extremely helpful, I think. The only problem is that I live so close to work that the ride really isn’t that impressive, and I only just get my heart rate up and into an actual workout when I arrive at work. So, I might have lengthen my ride a little. At any rate, that will be really good and I hope to see more shrinkage. My goal is to ride my bike in everyday. By the end of the month, I expect it to be no big thang. I’d like to get to that point.

The only thing I’m NOT liking about getting smaller is the loose skin. I don’t have a ton of it yet, but I’m definitely feeling it and seeing the weird shape my body is taking. It’s like I’m slowly deflating, with my stomach and butt being the last to start shrinking. LOL

So, anyhoo. I have a new weight goal. Reach 250 by the end of the year. If I continue the way that I have been, I expect to get there.

Speaking of losing weight and getting fit and all that stuff…has anyone watched the show “Heavy?” Some friends of mine recommended it to me, and I’m actually really impressed with it. This is the kind of weight loss/health show that I’ve been wanting to see on television. I don’t know if it’s still on as I’m watching it on Netflix, so I don’t know when it was done…but I’m assuming it’s recent. I guess I could…you know…look it up…but I’m lazy. Nyah.

On the show, they have these moderately to severely overweight people who feel like they have no way out. The show takes them to this facility where they are cut off from the rest of the world for thirty days to focus on learning how to exercise and eat well. Then they are loosed out into the world for five months to work with a trainer near their home. These people have to learn how to deal with the stresses of life and how to fit themselves and their health into it. I like that a lot. By contrast, “The Biggest Loser” focuses on working these people to death, tempting them on purpose, and basically exploiting these people’s problems. “Heavy” focuses on the people actually learning how to live well in their own environments, how to live well despite the unhealthy influences of friends and family. It’s truly inspiring.

Because I’m critical, I do have to point out that these people, even when they are at home, work out *every day.* They are still losing a lot of weight in a short amount of time. They have the benefit of seeing a trainer every day for free, and having regular check ups from the guys at the facility. They also get to have free therapy. There is a lot going for them that the average person doesn’t have.

Still, I’m going for the positives. They do show really heavy people working out and doing it. They show really heavy people struggling and *getting it.* They drive home in every episode the fact that you cannot succeed without facing your fears and issues that hold you back and keep you in a negative headspace. I like that, because, I’ve found that 99% of my struggles with gaining fitness come from my head. The physical stuff is easy, my body can totally do it…but it’s my mental state that determines whether or not I follow through on my homework or eat well. That’s the most difficult part of this.

So…..anyway.

That’s that for today.

Came back from vacation…weighed myself…275. WAHOO!! Considering the fact that I ate like a pig, this is very good news. I’ve been readjusting to more normal eating habits since I’ve been back…so far, so good.

To mark this occasion, I present you with this:

I’ve written before about how much I dislike the term “weight loss.” It’s a negative term, and it’s bursting at the seams with negative emotions having to do with your self image and the social pressure to be thin, that I really don’t like using it. Instead, I took a cue from Sally Edwards, who wrote “Triathlons for Women,” and I use the term and the idea of “gaining fitness.” This can imply weight loss, but in gaining fitness, losing weight is not the sole focus. To me, gaining fitness means way more than weight loss. It means muscle gain, getting lean, eating healthy foods, staying active, enjoying the hell out of my life by being outside and surrounded with friends, and, most importantly, working on maintaining a positive outlook on life and on all the problems and issues we get to have in this life…and giving myself love. This is the fitness that I’d like to gain. How that will manifest outwardly in my body, I have no idea, but it’s not really too important right now.

In gaining fitness, there are a shit ton of goals that I have. Some I reach, some I don’t, but continue to try for until I get there. One of my goals is seeing a downward trend in my weight. I don’t really care what the actual number is, because that’s irrelevant. All I care about is that it continues downward, and that my clothes fit better…or looser and then I get to buy new ones.

Weighing yourself all of the time is a mind fuck. It really is. So much importance is placed on that number that any minor “gain” can crush you, regardless of whether or not it’s an actual gain or just a fluctuation. Plus, if you weigh yourself on different scales, you will get different numbers, and *that* is a mind fuck too. So. I stick to the one I have at home, which is a Weight Watchers digital scale, and I get on it about once a week or every two weeks just to see where I’m at. When I’m at the doctor, I’m usually five pounds more than what the WW scale says.

I’m saying all this so that you understand how I feel about my weight. I’m not like most. The number doesn’t matter…it’s the downward trend that does. Weighing myself is only useful as a quick and dirty way of making sure I’m staying on track. When I talk about my weight, and the numbers and the pounds lost and all that…it’s only to put a little red mark next to that part of my journey that tells me I’ve been doing well, or that I need to tighten things up again. That’s it. Losing weight, to me, is only a means to get where I want to be. Fit and active. What that will look like…I don’t know, but I do know that if my body, as it is today, can do all these amazing things…I can only imagine what it could do if given more strength and power. I don’t hate my body. In fact, I’m learning to love it enough to want to give it a chance at being as healthy as it can be. I’d really love to be an active senior citizen. I’d really love to be like Sister Madonna Buder, and race in triathlons into my 70′s and 80′s. She’s amazing.

So. I say all this to get to this small little partial victory…

One of my fitness goals was to reach 275 on my WW scale by the end of August. I have been pretty solidly 277 for week or two, so I’m officially out of the 280′s by my WW scale. That is victory number one! This morning I got on the scale, and it said 274.6. Normally I’d be crowing, but I know how weight fluctuates. If I’m still 274 by the time I get back from my vacation I will a) have been able to keep my nutrition goals in tact despite being on vacation (and that would be a *real* victory) and b) count it as a goal met.

A real victory, however, is that one of my favorite belts had to have a new hole punched into it because it got to be too big.